“Why can’t I get a man???”
There are forty million single women over forty in the United States and if I didn’t know better I’d swear thirty-nine million of them keep asking the very same question, “Why can’t I get a man?”
Cindy, 42, a single and successful banking executive in metropolitan Dallas, Texas describes herself as an intelligent, powerful, successful, well-educated, self-sufficient professional woman. Yet she tells me she can never get past two dates with men and wonders why? “The first date seems to go okay, but when they see my house and my car and my MBA framed on the wall of my study they seem put off by it all. Then they ask me about my job and when they find out I earn six figures per year they say their goodbyes and leave. I think I’m intimidating them.”
A lot of women make this mistake. They assume men are intimidated when more often than not the guys have a completely different perspective. As part of my ongoing research for the Ten Innocent Mistakes Women Make that Drive Good Men Away, I interviewed one hundred single men over forty and asked them about Cindy’s particular situation. Let it suffice here to say that intimidation should not be confused with utilitarianism. Most men are not intimidated by women like Cindy, but simply see no “male” role to fill with her.
While sex type is genetic, we’re born either male or female, gender roles are learned. Men have been taught to assume they will fulfill three key roles in life relative to women: Provide, Protect, and Procreate. When a man hears that a woman is, “Intelligent, powerful, successful, well-educated, self-sufficient and professional,” and then sees her home, car, wardrobe, and healthy bank account, he assumes she can take care of all of that on her own, sees no role for himself, and simply moves on. It’s as though he reasons, “Well, it’s obvious she doesn’t need me for anything. I’ll go see if I can find someone else who does.”
Women shouldn’t confuse intimidation with utilitarian need. Likewise, men should better understand that women can still need or want them for reasons other than the three P’s. What do you think?
About The Author
Ron Stout has a B.A. in Psychology and an M.S. in Counseling & Human Development. He is an adjunct professor teaching college courses in Educational Psychology, Human Development, and Personal & Social Adjustment, and he is the author of the popular book Secrets From Inside The Clubhouse: What Men REALLY Think About Women.
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—- RELATIONSHIP QUESTION —
I’m 29 and the man I’m in love with is 48. We’ve been together two years and though there’s been changes made; I’m skeptic of his motives. It seems we’re going no where. My man and I get along great…and he’s great with my three daughters. He talks about us having a future together; says
he wants to spend the rest of our lives together but anytime, I speak of marriage or anything remotely close, the conversation gets very thin.
I’ve told him, I dont want to waste my time, I work full-time, college part-time, and have three little ladies to raise. I’ve tried to break it off several times; partly due to his cheating on numerous occasions.
But I love him and he always begs me back and has changed for the best in everyway I have complained. He swears to me, there’s no one else and he only wants to make this relationship work and have a future but I just dont know. We never go anywhere, except hanging out at his place. He doesn’t do anything special for me and I’ve only recently (in 2 yrs) met his family.
I’ve asked him if he wants to move a step ahead and live together.
He says it’s doable…but we shouldnt rush into anything. My question is…”Rush into what, it doesnt take a man
years to know what he wants!”
I want to give him my all so I have never cheated on him but he believes I am or will. I’m working on trusting him, but as I said before he’s cheated. Found out he was talking explicitly to three other women just one month ago; he says that’s over though.
Am I doing the right thing by staying in this? My boyfriend still hasnt made a move and I’m not getting any younger. I want a husband and someone to love me for more than my looks and body. He makes me feel that’s all we have! What should I do???
Thanks for sharing Toni U. Sometimes people make decisions based more on what their heart is telling them and they don’t pay attention to what their brain is telling them. It sounds like you might be doing this too. Consider the facts as you present them. He cheats, won’t commit, only recently introduced you to his family, restricts what you do together to “his place” and has been speaking with other women as recently as a month ago. It also sounds like he doesn’t trust you. You say you’ve tried to break it off several times too. Honestly, how strong does this relationship sound?
You state you don’t want to waste your time and that sounds like good advice. But you may be wasting more than just time. You may also be wasting a lot of negative energy on this and that will only hurt you in the long run, not help. We can lose money but we can always make it back. But if we lose even one hour of time, we’ll never get it back. Perhaps we should spend our time more wisely than our money. You have to decide for yourself what you want to do, what is most important to you. How do you want to spend your time? Finally, you have three daughters at home who need your love and energy. It sounds like they appreciate you a whole lot more too. Good luck with it, and stay strong. Does anybody else out there have any suggestions for Toni? If so, let her hear from you. Thanks!
Ron